Apparently when the “How to Live Life 101” manual was handed out, I was somewhere painting my nails or something. Because it’s been 30 years and according to the masses I have wasted a lot of time. Why? Because I don’t yet have the title of “Mother”.
“Girl! When are you going to have kids? You’re getting up there!”
That was the question a relative and young mother texted me 2 days after my 26th birthday. I initially rolled my eyes and attempted to ignore it. Nice way to wish someone a happy belated birthday. After a few moments, I was shocked to realize that I was legitimately offended. It’s not like this was the first time I’d been asked that question. Heck, I remember being asked that as early as 18. Since high school, having children had become somewhat of a fad so by graduation, to some folks, I was already behind. Having kids was something you “just did” or something that “just happened”. I was never one to agree with any of those notions but the reality of it was, it was [and still is] reality.
So why, this time, was I so offended?
I couldn’t respond right away. I had to think of a good way to answer because all of a sudden the truth wasn’t good enough. It felt silly and unattainable. I was ashamed of it because it wasn’t what [had become] normal. And to be transparent, at 25 I had already begun to struggle with the idea that I was getting too “old” to believe in what seemed to only happened in two places: the Bible and fairy tales. So, I tried to come up with a clever comeback; anything to avoid being laughed at or considered unrealistic by responding to her text with my truth. It took a few moments of pumping myself up before I hit send on the text I’d reluctantly typed: “Because I want to wait until marriage”.
I felt naked and braced myself to be ridiculed. I guess I didn’t brace myself enough because the next text didn’t feel any better: “Ok. Good luck with that! LOL”. It made me feel worse.
The thing they don’t get…
At 30, I’m sure I could be a thousand-aire if I had a dollar for every time someone has implied that I’m “getting old” or “should already have kids”. Other women throw these phrases around as if it’s a known fact that my value is decreasing as time goes by without someone to call me “Mommy”.
I may never know the answer to that question. What I do know (that most probably don’t consider) is those questions/implications are belittling. And it is equally offensive for you to belittle the women who are choosing to wait as it would be for us to belittle you for not waiting.
So yes, I am well aware of my age without your reminder. Yes, I realize that I’m ‘not getting any younger’. I have no doubt that being a mother is one of the greatest blessings God can give a woman. But on the flip side of things, I’m in alignment with the morals and goals I’ve set for myself and my future. I am determined to fulfill my [own] theory that part of my role as a good mother starts well before I conceive a child. Right now, my job is to allow God to send me a good man (who will first be my husband) to assume the role of my future child’s Father.
Now, before you assume; don’t. I am not bitter and I am not throwing any shade at those who chose to do it differently. The ability to choose our own route in life is what makes this world a kaleidoscope of beauty. So please, allow my choice to be just as acceptable as yours.
To my fellow ladies in waiting…
KEEP GOING! You are not broken. You’re not damaged. There is nothing wrong with you. Your desires are valid and can be attained. What they say may sting and cause you to question yourself but don’t! Do not internalize their thoughts! Excuse them and stand firm in your truth!
But while you’re waiting…take a trip, or two, or three! Go with friends, with Bae, or by yo dang self! You are the bomb without any additions. Know that.
And to the young girl who believes in fairy tales: NEVER STOP! You are worth every bit of the wait. And if you continue to stand on your high standards, you’ll know for sure who “he” is because he’ll be the only one who can reach you. 😉 It won’t always be easy, but it WILL be worth it. YOU are worth it!
🗣 With all that being said…kudos to every woman reading this. We are amazing beings. Keep shining, Queens!